I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
