i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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