I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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