My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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