I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
