So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
