woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
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