boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My bed smells like the plague
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
