I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
