hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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