If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
