I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
