i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
