I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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