I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
