ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
