sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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