Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
