Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
