Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize