i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
