And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
