I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
