she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
