My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
