Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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