Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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