Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
