How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
