Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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