Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
