New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You literally chaperoned my booty call.