I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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