mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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