Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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