I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
