She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
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she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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