I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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