my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
