My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
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Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
These tits shall not be calmed
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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