I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
