after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
