it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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