She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
