I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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