I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
