If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize