i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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