i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You ruined the universe
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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