I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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