Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
