dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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