i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm at about main and main street
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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