end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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