it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
