Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
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I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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