capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
